| Dec. 14th, 2005 @ 04:58 pm What has happened to eBay? |
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The humans have been selling their stuff on eBay, and seem to spend all their days thumping desks and shouting at their email clients. I don't understand why the simple business of selling stuff has become so complicated and fraught with problems. A few years ago, the humans loved eBay, but now they seem to hate it.
Anyway, in order to offer some support to the humans, I have developed a new set of "Terms and Conditions" for them to add to their auctions.
1. This auction is in Pounds Sterling. That's the currency of the country it's being sold from. That means British Pounds from the United Republic of Britland, UK, England, Londonshire. Not Euros. Not Dollars. Not anything else. At the end of the auction you will be expected to pay in Pounds Sterling, and be able to work out what that equates to in your own currency. Under no circumstances will "How much is that in US Dollars?" type emails be responded to. If you can find eBay, you can find a bloody currency converter.
2. If we ask you to pay within three days of the auction ending, we do not expect you to wait three days and then tell us that you can't pay for a week or two. We don't care if your cat's ill, or a muffler has fallen off your car. If you don't have the money, you shouldn't bloody bid on the auction. If you wanted to cut a deal with regard to longer payments terms, you should have asked BEFORE placing a bid. Now pay up, or we'll neg you.
3. When we ask for payment by "Paypal only", that isn't an invitation to offer all sorts of other payment methods. We don't CARE how easy it is to sign up for Bidpay, we want to be paid by Paypal. We don't CARE that you want to send a US Postal order - they are utterly worthless outside the USA, so we don't want them. We don't CARE if other sellers are happy to take personal "checks" - in the UK we have to pay $20 to exchange a "check" so we don't want one. We don't care if you don't have a Paypal account - either open one, or don't bid. Oh, and if you do insist on Paypal echeque, don't expect us to ship the goods for a couple of weeks - it takes 10 working days to clear through the UK banking system.
4. If you are late paying, we don't want excuses. It appears that nearly 24.8% of eBay auction winners have (a) lost a partner in the last month (b) terminal illness (c) Paypal blocking their account. Whilst we are sympathetic, we are not stupid. We can see you bidding on other items. If you're OK to bid on other auctions, and you're OK to post endless whining emails about your problems, then you're certainly OK to click the "Pay here" button on our auction. Don't lie to us - you bid and you don't have the money. End of.
5. Winning an auction of ours isn't an invitation to start negotiating a deal. Our terms are there to be read, and you should agree with them before bidding. If you don't like the terms, don't bid. How difficult is that to understand?
6. If we put up an auction without a Buy-It-Now price, it means there isn't a Buy-It-Now price. Emailing us and asking us what the Buy-It-Now price is, will only annoy us. Don't do it. We know you're just trying to chisel a good deal, and we aren't stupid.
7. Don't tell us what other Sellers allow you to do. We aren't them. We are us. If you don't like our terms, then don't bid.
8. If we list a "partial" item, that means we either (a) do not have the complete set or (b) do not wish to sell the complete set. It does NOT mean that we held back one or two pieces, just in case someone wanted them. It does not mean that we will be selling the other parts at a later date, and that we will allow you to hold off paying until we do. We aren't stupid. We know that a complete set is worth more than a part set, and if we have, or want to sell the complete set, then we will.
9. Shipping costs money. Packaging materials cost money. Live with it.
10. If you want to get a quote for multiple item shipping, then it really helps if you tell us what they are. Don't send us a message saying "How much is shipping if I won four items?" We can't tell you if we don't know what you want. They all weigh differently. Oh, and it would be really useful if you told us what country you live in, because we can't work it out from your eBay ID. Actually, don't ask the question at all - in all our years of selling, no-one has EVER won all the items we've quoted them to ship.
11. Work out where you live. We have three options - UK, Europe, Everywhere else in the world. Surely to God, you must be able to work out which one of the three you live in? Can't you? Oh, and Zip codes mean nothing to us.
Do you think the humans will be grateful for my no-nonsense approach?
No, I don't either. |
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